Reflections

The mirrors distort us grotesquely, twisting us into warped reflections of ourselves. My eyes see her, squashed and stretched, torn asunder and I wish that the image was reality. As we leave the hall she won't take my hand. She refused my kiss on the Tunnel of Love. The cotton candy didn't sweeten her any. My prowess with the hammer did not impress. The bear I won for her is carried like luggage. She's had a wonderful time but can we just remain friends?

When we get to the highest point on the Ferris wheel I shall push her out.

Waiting for Godot

They know. They're not Chinese Madams. Any second now they're going to turn around and in perfect English they're going to say "Freeze scumbag! This is a bust!" and I've got $200 ear-marked for a whore who hasn't finished with her previous client yet and half a gram of coke and I am so busted.

They're sitting there pretending to watch whatever that shitty cop show is.

I’ll bet they don't have cop shows that good in China but I know they're only pretending to watch it. They're vice cops. Seventy year-old... cops?

Well, maybe I'm just a little paranoid.

Bitter

The blonde sits patiently, waiting for me to finish.

"And another thing, they go and change the title, the title was the best part! Übernatürlich and they turn it into The Cult. They've cast Jim Carrey as the charismatic poikilothermic who founds a secret society of lizard worshippers and they’ve made him the bad guy! The bad guy! He was the anti-hero of the entire story!"

She quickly checks her watch.

"Alright fine. How much for the night?"

She slips a folded scrap of paper my way.

"Are you shitting me?!"

"Hey baby," she whispers, "you’re in show business now."

The Girl With The Sun In Her Head

My suitcase is in the hallway, my jacket entangled with one of her shoes halfway inside one sleeve. Her scarf snakes its way across the threshold to the study, tantalizingly close to my tie as it hangs from the door knob. My shirt, tossed languorously in an arc across the back of the couch, embraces her discarded summer dress with cuffs that weren’t unbuttoned. Her panties peek out from under the coffee table at the matching bra strewn aside in anxious frustration. My suit pants and boxers block the bedroom door slightly ajar.

It is good to be home again.

Release The Pressure

"Rift is stabilizing. Sub-strata tensile strength at 61 kilo-Merkins and holding. I think we've averted disaster Colonel."

Colonel Hardin swore under his breath and nodded curtly at the junior technician. "Good job, son" he said before turning back to his guest.

"As you can see Ms Crespi, your daughter almost opened a dimensional rift through conventional space-time to the Twilight Zone..." He looked down at the little girl huddled around her mother’s legs who shirked back fearfully in response. "All of mankind’s darkest fears and nightmares await on the other side."

"But Colonel... what's holding the rift closed?"

"String theory."

Impersonating a Police Officer

“You have the right to remain silent.”

Bill, she’s gagged.

“Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.”

She can’t say anything. Will you cut out the Robocop routine?

“You have the right to have an attorney present.”

She’s the District Attorney, Bill; I think she knows that part.

“If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you free of charge.”

Bill, for chrissakes, will you look around you? This stuff costs a fortune. If you're done with the shtick can we untie her and get her out of that rubber uniform?

Custody Battle

I light up, my hands still shaking. He’s talking but my ears have blocked him out. How? How could she do this to me? This shyster, this shark, this crook that she's sleeping with who comes into my house and stands in my kitchen and hands me papers signed by my wife. Ex-wife! God-damned ex-wife.

How did it get to this? She takes half the money, half the house, half of the possessions, and now one of my lungs?

Visitation rights? I'll give her visitation rights. I light up another three and jam them all in my mouth at once.

Chill Pill

You're driving me frickin' crazy. The rent's due, the repos are on my ass about the car, we gots to eat and you want a pony? A pony? What the frick are we gonna do with a pony? We gonna dump the car and ride around town all day getting groceries we can't afford, to feed another mouth at the end of the day? Why can't you think? Just like your mother with her stoopid ideas, let’s have a baby, let’s get a Lexus, let’s try this radical new drugs testing regime where we make $1,000 a week .

Frickin' pony.

Love Grenade

Haldane held the pin between his fingers and tugged at it slightly, he felt it slide partway out and was tempted to pull it all the way.

"No!" cried Jezebelle taking one step closer to Haldane and stopping, "don't do it! Don't pull the pin!"

Haldane saw the pity in her eyes, remembered the feel of her touch and the sight of her with another man. He couldn't go on like this. She had to pay for the humiliation she’d caused.

With a firm tug he pulled the pin from the pin cushion and let her feel his little prick.

Bon Appetit

Best described as rustic and authentic Provencale cuisine we had found the restaurant entirely by accident that night. Romilly ordered the aubergine en caton and I asked for the house specialty; carbonade d'ame perdu; an aromatic stew of caramelized meat cubes and white beans in white wine.

The waiter approached when we had finished.

“The chef would like to see you, M’sieur”

I went through to the kitchens to praise the chef’s wonderful cooking. When I finished he spoke.

“Unfortunately M’sieur, another guest has ordered the carbonade and we are fresh out of meat.”

With that he hefted his cleaver.

Walker

As I strode through the purple heather and cloying bracken of the Scottish Highlands, dressed in the kilt of my clan I paused at a small pile of rocks. Cairns frequently mark the summit of a mountain, but in this case it was more likely a burial site of some walker dead long before me. I paused to offer silent condolences and spied a full bottle of whisky tucked behind the stones.

Hill walking can be thirsty work so I downed it in one.

Then I blanched and refilled it for the next stupid bastard to make the same mistake.