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The Good 'Ol Rads
Well y'all let me tell you how this here came into being, there was me over on my side of the river where we had ourselves the re-ac-tor and I got me a job hauling the waste barrels and dumpin them where the foreman din't care. One night I goes back to my sweet Bethy-jo across the other side of the river and I had me some of that gick on my work gloves. Bethy-jo she was cooking up some of her famous creole citrus buns for the county fair and she's been looking out for something that would make them stand out other than the usual strings of fairy lights and spotlights.
Bethy-jo, she sees that gick there on my gloves and she notices that its fair glowing orange and green and all the colors of the rainbow. "Otis" she says, "Otis, where did that come from?" She don't talk right but we can'ts all be purfect and she sure is pretty and a little wildcat in the sack. "Otis, this could be the answer to making my bakesale this year beat all previous years records!" Then she gone done one of them evil laughs like you's only seeing on a James Bond movie. I asked my Bethy-jo what she meant and she said back "For God's sake Otis, my name is Elizabeth, I don't have one of these awful hick double-names. Christ why did I drop out of law school? Listen, go back to wherever you were and get me more of this glowing ooze, I'll need it for my frosting"
And then she gave me the sweetest peck on the cheek and promised me a handjob later, so I got right back in my truck, spun them wheels and headed back across the river to the other side. Took me a few tries to find the bank where I'd done dumped them barrels but luck was with me, one of them suckers hadn't even burst yet. Some gick sloshed over the lip and down my cover-alls as I got it back onto the bed of ol' faithful, but a few ropes and it was lashed down tight and secure like.
I dialed into KBRX Shocked and turned the volume right up, driving along the river bank with the thought of Bethy-jo's firm grip on my mind, so much sos that I din't hear them sirens until the flashing lights were right on me. I done pulled over just like Daddy always showed me to and slicked my hair back just like he woulda done too and I practiced my "is there a problem officer" as that trooper done walked up the side of my truck and when he shined his flashlight into my window I kept my hands well on that wheel.
"Step out of the car boy" he said with authorotee and spit a long stream of brown into the dust.
"Is there a problem officer?" I asked and smiled real nice hoping I'd be spending the night with Bethy-jo and not as some fat boy's Mary-beth.
"Boy do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Was I speedin' officer?"
"Boy, you are spilling ionized radiation all over this road, why by my count you are exceeding the permissable rontgen limit by at least a kilogray. My own counter here," at this he brought forth a yellow box with a needle that was spiked way off the scale "is showing you as being the single most radioactive thing in the state. It is a miracle on God's green Earth that you are still standing up on your own limbs boy with any teeth in your head and hair on your scalp. Your internal organs should be pissing out of your a-hole any minute now. Christ boy, you must be too stupid to drop dead or summin."
Well my daddy always told me from the other side of the glass that providing you don't admit to nothing and you can gets your hands on a half-decent lawyer they can gets you out of anything with their silver tongues. Bethy-jo knew some good lawyers from way back so I din't have nothing to be scared of. I just wiped the gick off my hands onto my cover-alls, ran a hand through my thinnin' hair and gave that trooper a half toothy smile.
Aug.10.2007