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Joseph and Me
Credo in Duem Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem coeli et terrae;
Et in Jesum Christum Filium ejus unicum, Dominum nostrum;
qui conceptus est de Spiritu Sancto, natus ex Maria Virgine;
Joseph pranged the cap off another bottle of beer and dropped into the lounger beside me. Throwing his head back he drank greedily from the cold bottle, to the point where I could see him almost choke as he stopped and gasped in air like a dog, his tongue lolling out over his teeth. His face contorted up as his throat constricted and there was a sudden flush of purple through his cheeks before he belched loudly and gave me a big grin.
"That hit the spot"
"Joe, you've got to be more careful. At your age all it takes is one little stunt too many and bam, you're flat on the floor with a ruptured spleen or embolism. Take it easy will you? I'm six beers down on you."
"Pffft" he mocked and waved his hand at me, showing off an ornate gold ring. "I'll be fine, I'm practically indestructible now"
passes sub Pontius Pilato, crucifixus, martuus et sepultus;
descendit ad inferos, tertia die resurrexit a mortuis;
"How do you figure that Joe?"
"Well, first I confirmed that Hell is a real place to instill a bit of fear in the doubters, get them thinking about that eternal hellfire and damnation instead of their cute secretary or their daughter's best friend's father. Then I go and abolish limbo so there's no room for doubt that I'm serious, even when it comes to little babies..."
ascendit ad caelos; sedet ad dexteram Dei Patris omnipotentis;
inde venturus est judicare vivos et mortuos.
As I watched him preach about the certainties of faith and the findings of the International Theological Commission I became suddenly aware that he was sitting in the same seat the Devil had sat in as we watched DVDs together a few years before. I hoped that he wouldn't notice.
"...and then just to get all those X-Files freaks interested in religion again we flattly deny that we have any advance knowledge of the coming apocalypse. How smart is that? By denying we have any such documents we spark off furious interest and a conviction that the Catholic church knows exactly what's coming. And the only way to save yourself from the impending doom that we know nothing about? Join our church!"
I had to admit, as popes went, this one was a winner.
Credo in Spiritum Sanctum: sanctum Ecclesiam catholicam;
Sanctorum communionem; remissionem paccatorum;
carnis resurrectionem; vitam aeternam.
Amen.
May.14.2007