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Returns
The first we knew anyone was even in the flat was when a small metal cylinder rolled into the room. It sat there for a beat before a tiny orange spark ignited at one end and thick smoke started pouring out of the canister in voluminous opaque clouds. I turned to say something to my girlfriend just as a heavy booted foot kicked the door open.
In standard two-man formation the first two soldiers burst into the room, laser sights sweeping through the acrid smoke which had caused our eyes to start watering and our throats to constrict. There was the huff and puff of men wearing gas masks and the click of metal on metal from the various knives and pistols that adorned their webbing.
Just as I stood up to protest this home invasion a dark shape swung towards the patio door and crashed through the supposedly break-proof glazing. We were showered in shards of blunt plastic glass as another two soldiers rappelled through the windows and landed hard on the carpet.
"Down! Everybody down!" screamed one of the men as he pushed a squat ugly submachine gun into our faces.
"Is that a Heckler and..." I began but a gloved hand punched me in the throat and I fell to my knees grasping at my windpipe, sucking in bitter air.
"Shut it four-eyes" said the squadron leader as one of his subordinates started pulling everything off our shelves. My girlfriend helped me down flat onto the floor where it was easier to breathe and we waited as the soldiers tore through the room, all the while being held at gunpoint.
"Ah-ha!" shouted one of the men triumphantly through his gas-mask and protective goggles. He slung his MP5 around behind him and approached the leader of the troop, holding out something we couldn't make out. The leader took the objects and hunkered down beside us.
"Naughty, naughty. These DVD rentals were due back a month ago."
I started to stammer that I was more than happy to pay the late fees but the head obscured behind polarised lenses and rebreathing apparatus like some sort of alien visitor shook solemnly.
"You should have read the small print sunshine."
Dec. 7.2006