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Christmas Equations
If you eat too much to move but then you drink so much you puke, does it all balance out?
If someone you love gives you something twice as expensive as what you got them and you tell them that their proper present didn't arrive in time but you'll give it to them on the 27th how many kilo-humbugs of pressure are you under?
If parent A calls at 15:10 in the afternoon expecting thanks for gift X and parent B is already on call waiting to ask if you liked present Y and you've had alcoholic drink Alpha and your attention is distracted by your girlfriend in Christmas-themed lingerie ensemble Delta how long before you say something inappropriate?
What is the square root of snow?
Using the cosine of the angle of inclination that the tinsel hangs at and drawing a tangent that bisects the tilt of your drunken uncle in his chair and a line perpendicular to the snarl of your auntie at what point do these segments intersect in an argument?
Christmas toys are known to become more complicated the more you progress into adulthood through an exponential function Y(x)=fddx² with fdd equal to your fuddyduddyness ratio and Y(x) the amount of time before you break it and realize you really should have read the instructions first. Calculate Y(x) for the latest Transformers that now exist through four dimensions and require 3D glasses.
What is the molecular composition of brandy butter on fire when you poke it with your finger? Can you express the formula without using any four letter words?
If a Christmas tree has seven tiers of branches with each tier supporting an evenly-distributed odd number of baubles and you introduce a stochastic cat element into the equation how long will the gap between the first bauble smashing on the floor and the tree toppling onto your sleeping grandmother be?
Same as previous question but with the stochastic cat accidentally wrapped inside a box beforehand.
If eighteen people wish you a Merry Christmas but only eleven of them also subsequently add "and a Happy New Year", and seven offer Seasonal Greetings but only three of them sent you cards, how much cheer can you expect to feel on January 2nd?
Express how bitter you are that the other kid was picked to play Joseph in the nativity play sixteen years ago over you and later managed to snog Mary behind the manger as a non-linear function.
If a Nintendo Wii, a Sony Playstation 3 and an X-Box 360 are equidistant from your center of gravity what are the probabilities of you getting to each of them in turn before a rabid gamer freak who camped out all night on Oxford Street?
Answers are due by December 31st
Dec.24.2006