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Kitchen Surgery Nightmares
I followed the instructions; I swear I did, to the letter.
I used the ocular replacement pod, making sure it was placed the correct way up and directly over the iris, I didn't blink, I didn't tremble and yet still somehow the scalpel removed my iris and botched the replacement. I was too scared to try it on the other eye as I swabbed at the vitreous humour that dribbled down my cheek.
Any sensible person would have stopped there, but I hadn't even tried the cheek-bone chisel yet and how many times have you heard someone say "s/he's got cheekbones to die for". It’s the strange skeleton chic to have sunken cheekbones and the vacuum attachment was working fine for the first few seconds before it caved in my mouth and left that gash through my face. Unfortunately I had used it on the same side of the face my home iris transplant kit had messed up so the vitreous humour was now dribbling straight into my mouth.
I should have given up and sought medical attention after that, but the kit had thoughtfully provided "bio-regeneration strips: just apply for five minutes and flesh magically regenerates to replace damaged tissue" but after only three minutes of holding the strip over the hole in my cheek my fingers had permanently bonded to my face. It was at that point I had to admit defeat and reach for the pruning shears.
If only I'd taken into consideration that my depth perception was completely shot to hell and I was using my left hand...
Oct.19.2006