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Mutant Scrotum
My girlfriend is famously without children. By that I mean she is famous for not having any, and never wanting any and taking surgical steps at a young age to ensure that the situation will never change and she won't find herself one day with her legs up in stirrups cursing every man she even knew. She's even contacted regularly by various editors of publications and TV producers to comment on her choice and whether her biological clock has started ticking yet.
I am far more sneaky than that.
I did my homework beforehand and knew that I had two weeks to prepare before the smarter spermatozoa started to die off, and I needed the smart ones. But I also needed them larger than the standard 5 micrometres.
During the first week I took to sitting at my desk with my testes in a teacup full of cold Miracle-Gro. Cold should be self explanatory as I was having to rebuff all the usual sexual advances and take frequent cold showers. The chemical consequences of using Miracle-Gro seemed to bring forth results as pretty soon I was swollen up like a pair of blood oranges.
In the second week I had to help the spermatozoa with basic problem solving skills and knot-untying abilities. This was a real problem of course as one can't just swallow the Young Boy's Book of Knots or Mistress Midori's Book of Japanese Bondage and hope that they'll end up in the right place. I puzzled for a few days and eventually came up with a brilliant solution.
Using a high-wattage, slightly radioactive bulb I projected images through a flashlight onto my testicles of various Escher drawings, knowing that were they to absorb the confounding knots and twists of Escher's work then my little soldiers would make short work of any blockages in the Fallopian tubes.
After two weeks of this I was ready to attack. Despite the throbbing, pulsating, glowing coming from my crotch I had absolute conviction that I would be successful. I moved in for some light petting and fondling on the couch.
"Not tonight, I have a headache" she said.
Deep in my seminiferous tubules, something growled.
Jul.26.2006