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The Winter of the Roman Empire
In the run up to the release of Star Wars Episode 3: Suicidal Despair of the Screenwriter I watched Episode 1: The Phantom Blue Screen of Death and Episode 2: Attack of the Largely Not There Scenery. Walking out of the cinema led to a fit of deep depression that I had a hard time shaking. The only thing that kept me going was that I now had a very good reason to watch the original trilogy all over again and this was done in a marathon run yesterday. All three movies, parts 4 through 6.
The topic of this post of course isn't an original observation; people have been querying it for twenty years now, as to how the Ewoks could defeat an entire legion of the Empire's best troops. Isn't this somewhat akin to the Roman Empire falling to the most ridiculous of reasons?
Rome: 476 A.D.
Praetorian Commander Maximus Hurtius awaits the arrival of an envoy from the legions of the north. The envoy has been delayed for two weeks now and no news of the Germanic barbarian hordes has been received. The northern frontier may be on the verge of collapse and Titus has been occupied with the installation of the most recent puppet emperor; Spurius Commentatus and backroom dealings with the Senate to ensure an increase in military spending next year. A servant arrives to announce Titus Labius-Assius.
Maximus Hurtius: Ave, Titus Labius-Assius.
Titus Labius-Assius: Ave, Maximus Hurtius.
Maximus Hurtius: What news of the north?
Titus Labius-Assius: Great leader, we are lost. Our empire shall crumble from within. Our northern army has been defeated. Routed, smashed and exterminated.
Maximus Hurtius: In Minerva's name how?
Titus Labius-Assius: Otters, millions of them.
Maximus Hurtius: ... otters...
Titus Labius-Assius: The Carnivora order of the Latra Latra family, otherwise known as the European otter.
Maximus Hurtius: Riiiight... and just how have otters defeated an entire legion of our best troops?
Titus Labius-Assius: Morale, sir. We just can't stop them. We've tried tortoise formations, speared phalanxes, even driving wedges but the bastard things get in amongst the men and chitter away with those cute little otter noses and scratchy claws. We're helpless against them!
Maximus Hurtius: I see... and has anyone pointed out to you that you're not actually supposed to be fighting the otters and instead dealing with the heavily armed barbarians who want to destroy Rome?
Titus Labius-Assius: Ignore them sir? But they're just so cute!
Maximus Hurtius: Listen, you can either go back there and ignore the bloody things or I'll send your head back on a pilum as a warning to the rest of the legion to stop taking the piss. Elephants were understandable, but you're stretching it with otters.
Titus Labius-Assius: I'll do my best, sir.
Maximus Hurtius: And you'd better have everything in order for the Emperor's visit; he wants to inspect the Death Fort and ensure it's fully operational before the rebels attack. I don't want there to be a single otter within sight of the place.
Jun.27.2005