Welcome to Acerbia; population: π
This is the archive of the many and fabulous adventures of . Like a hard-bitten son of Michael Moorcock's Jerry Cornelius taught to write by William S. Burroughs; continually reincarnated, debated over by intellectuals and literati at cocktail parties the author can't get invited to, the target of scorn and ire from women everywhere, frequently mistaken for a former member of the Warsaw pact, named after the Italian explorer Giuseppe Acerbi, slowly rewriting the Book of Cataclysm, this is postmodern fiction at its most playful and creative.
Clipped Tones
With the news that Microsoft will finally be removing Clippy the Chirpy Paperclip Assistant from Microsoft Office we can all heave a big collective sigh of relief.
Who could forget some of his more memorable advice?
"To uninstall me you need a Microsoft Manager security rating or higher. NSA security clearance is not enough."
"To minimise me, please input an 11 digit prime number"
"I am hard-coded to Always Remain On Top, and specifically designed to cover over any menus or toolbars you may wish to access. Also, my interface was designed by the rebel faction within Microsoft and conforms to no know previous prgram you may have ever used before."
"Whoops, you didn't want to click that. You have opened a daisy chain of porno pop-ups, your mother has been notified and screenshots are being saved for future blackmail purposes."
"Your vocabulary isn't quite as good as it could be, your Internet Cookie information has been accessed and a complete set of Encyclopedias has been ordered from Amazon for you."
"I can morph into several different shapes. None of them easilly recognisable or at all pertaining to your query, but love me anyway, cause you can't change into a bicycle, can you?"
"Please input your search query into the above text box and I will randomly select a topic from the help file of an entirely different program, like Paintshop Pro. Yes, the answer to your query is 'FFFFFF' "
I'd just like to thank Microsoft for introducing Clippy in the first place. Where better than in a professional package of Office-based applications can the comical characterisations of a bit of twisted metal have come to light? Our lives will be much better off without him. I'd like everyone to vote for the one category they haven't put up on his page;
Rusty paper-clip that's fallen down the back of the desk and nobody is desperate enough to retrieve because there're several billion other paper-clips out there that'll do the job just as well.
Maybe he'll come back as a staple.
Customer Service
Two weeks ago, I bought a Logitech Wingman Digital Extreme 3D joystick cause it looked really cool and had lots of buttons and functions and was a pure gadget.
I bought it from a place I can't name for legal reasons... let's call it... Bixon's. I wanted to try out a Microsoft Sidewinder 2 first and they told me it was not their policy to allow customers to try products out before purchase. I said fine, bought it on plastic, walked out onto Oxford St, opened it, had a quick test, didn't like it, took it back in, asked for an exchange.
If looks could kill.
So, I got my Logitech joystick, oooooo... took it home waiting expectantly to play Freespace 2 in all it's Nebula-glory. The joystick froze the computer up during setup and I promptly uninstalled *everything* to do with it because I hate Safe Mode.
Tried again last night and it did the same thing, I *hate* Safe Mode. My biggest problem with Safe Mode is that its like having passed your license and then being told you still need the training wheels on your bike. The computer is pretty much flat out telling you two things;
1) You broke me, there is a way to fix me, but until you do you get low-res 8-color crappy service.
2) You should have stuck with the Speak 'n Spell
So, I went to take the joystick back today and when I asked for a refund was told that the item had been opened. Bixon's obviously hires straight from Mensa. Yes, I had to open it to install it and find out that it conflicted with other peripherals. Well, we're sorry sir but you can't have a refund, however you can have a replacement if you want. Refunds are within seven days of purchase only. Fine, I'll take the replacement if its under full guarantee also. Of course sir, here you go sir, and your receipt.
Thank you for giving me an unopened replacement, can I have a refund on this please, here's the receipt. Thanks to Scott Kurtz from PvPOnline for having pointed out this commercial loophole.
The moral of the story is, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, so long as you win.